IMG_7447A lawyer, a nun, a priest, an Irishman, a minister, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar.The bartender looks at them and asks, “Is this some kind of joke?”

We’re hosting the Employment Law Blog Carnival (#ELBC) this month. In honor of St. Paddy’s Day, Purim, Sonoma County, California (home of the HR Examiner), and any other excuse you have to drink, I give you the best in employment law blogs paired with some of my favorite guy walks into a bar jokes.

Important discovery while researching this post: It is better to swallow all liquid before reading the jokes because then it doesn’t come out your nose, which hurts, and get all over your keyboard and white shirt.

A duck walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, “Got any grapes?”
Again, the bartender tells him, “No — the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes.” The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, “Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!”
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, “Got any nails?”
Confused, the bartender says no.
“Good!” says the duck. “Got any grapes?”

Robin Shea (Constagny Brooks & Smith LLP, NC) explains the Joy of Sox and what type of acitivity is protected under the retaliation provisions of the Sarbanes-Oxley Act, along with John Fullerton (Epstien Becker Green, NY) on the US Supremes expansive interpretation of SOX  protections, allowing contractors and subs of public companies to report securities violations under the whistleblower provisions.

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, “I’ll have a pint of blood.”
The second one says, “I’ll have one, too.”
The third one says, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.”
The bartender says, “So, that’ll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?”

Mark Toth (ManpowerGroup) on their recent survey of employers on employment litigation and compliance, says It’s Still Not Getting Any Easier Out There.

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and he says, “A beer for me, and one for my giraffe.” They stand around drinking for hours until finally the giraffe passes out on the floor and the guy pays the tab and gets up to leave. “Hey! You’re not going to leave that lyin’ on the floor, are you?” “That’s not a lion. It’s a giraffe.”

Jake Edmiston (i-Sight workplace investigations) on the Miami Dolphins Workplace Bullying Scandal and the potential conflicts between PR management of the problem and getting the information needed for the investigation.

A baby seal walks into a club

Mitchell Quick (Michael Best & Friedrich, WI), on Breaking Bad and when to call in the professionals in Better Call Saul.

A dog walks into a bar and hops up on a stool. He looks the bartender in the eye and says, “Hey, guess what? I can talk. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink?”
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “Sure, the toilet’s right around the corner.”

Joe Leonoro (Steptoe & Johnsonon) no good deed goes unpunished When Granting An Employee’s Transfer Request May Still Be the Basis for A Lawsuit.

A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single-malt Scotch and downs them one after the other. The barkeep says, “You look like you’re in a hurry.” “You would be too if you had what I have,” said the guy. “What have you got?” “Fifty cents.”

Phil Miles (McQuaide Blasko, PA)  on what happens when your confidential settlement is posted on Facebook. Hint: not good.

The bartender says: We don’t serve faster than light particles here.
A neutrino walks into a bar.

Eric B. Meyer (Dilworth Paxson LLP, PA) on What the EEOC Wants You to Know, especially about using Social Media in the hiring process.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says “Give me a beer and a mop.”

John Holmquist (DeMorest Law Firm, MI) with more on the EEOC’s latest meeting on social media, and thoughts on whether the EEOC is Late to the Party.

 A dyslexic walks into a bra.

Mike Haberman (Omega HR Solutions, Inc.) on Why Documentation is Important and how memory and our brains work.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I’ve lost my electron.”
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”

Janette Levey Frisch (The Emplawyerologist Firm, NJ) on Are You a Co-Employer and liability when employees have more than one legal employer.

An anagramist walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Why the clean fog?”

Stuart Ruder (Rudner MacDonald, Toronto) on how independent contractors change their minds about whether they are employees after they’re terminated, and what to do.

Julius Caesar walks into a bar. “I’ll have a martinus,” he says. The Bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, “Don’t you mean a ‘martini’?”
“Look,” Caesar retorts, “If I wanted a double, I’d have asked for it!”

Randy Enochs (Enochs Law Firm, WI) on the Stored Communications Act and the troubles when there is a dispute between an employer and employee about who is authorized to do what on a company social media page and whether a twitter handle is the employee or the company.

Times New Roman walks into a bar.
The Bartender says, Sorry we don’t serve your type.

Mary Wright (Ogletree Deakins) on getting age discrimination settlements right under Federal and California law.

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve strings here.”
The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, “Hey, aren’t you a string?”
The string says, “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”

Donna Ballman (Ballman Firm, FL) on whether contract employees can make a sexual harassment claim against the hiring company and whether they are actually contractors or employees.

The past, the present and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.

Bob Fitzpatrick (Robert B. Fitzpatrick, PLLC, DC) on how to get sued for age discrimination in Respect Your Elders.

A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”

Lorene Schaefer (Win-Win Resolve ADR) on how ignoring an internal workplace complaint can go side-ways when the employee takes her gripes to Twitter.

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice.
“Hey mister! Nice pants!” it says.
He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and quickly shrugs it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice again.
“Hey mister! Sweet shoes!”
Again, he looks around, sees nothing but a bartender who is busy attending to other customers. Shaking his head, he sips once more.
“Hey mister! Cool shirt!”
He puts down his drink, frustrated at this phantom voice, and signals to the bartender, who comes over.
“Hey barkeep,” he begins, “what is that high-pitched voice I keep hearing?”
“Oh, those are the complimentary peanuts.” 


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