There’s been a lot going on and I haven’t said much lately. I just didn’t know what to say. I was also a little afraid that once I started it would open the floodgates of something, probably bad.
Then I read this article by sociologist, Jan Birkman, that talks about what happens when we go through something terrible like fascism and start to come out the other side. For a time, we are speechless.
On an individual level we need to be able to see and process the trauma of harms we have experienced and witnessed. Culturally, we have to come to terms with how this happened and what to do next. It’s big, messy, and a lot of work at a time we are already wrung out.
Maybe the speechlessness gives us the ability to sit and start to make sense of things again. Maybe our bodies are doing for us, what we cannot do for ourselves.
I really hate that. I mostly know how to power through.
As a lawyer, I spend my life assessing circumstances, watching for things that are changing, and evaluating risk. It’s a level of hypervigilance that we lawyers do almost without thinking. In every conversation, we are reading body language, assessing credibility, listening for inconsistencies and information gaps, while taking in the words, context, meaning, and considering potential questions.
About ten years ago, I was on a lunch break during a large meeting that had nothing to do with law or litigation and called John in tears because I was so exhausted from being there. He said: Stop listening like a lawyer. All you have to do is be mostly present. I’m sure I grumped back at him something like: “I don’t know how!! How tf would I know how to do THAT?” I’ve come a long way since then, but I’m still learning.
Before the election, I was speechless because everything I know about law and governance has been turned on its head. Governments and laws should do good in the world and protect people. Government and law should not harm people or ever treat them as property or anything less than full humans with fundamental rights who belong.
Now, after the election, I am still speechless.
The lawyer part of me is going back to review all the scenarios I run constantly to see if they are still valid and how they need to be modified in light of significant change. Then I can start to consider new scenarios and how they may play out.
But first, I need to honor my speechlessness and allow my nervous system and mind to reorient so I can see clearly.
If you are feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, you are having a perfectly normal response to a whole decade of abnormal situations. And I’m sure we’re not done yet.
In the meantime, be gentle with yourself. It turns out, rest actually works. (Who knew?)
Sending you big loves and Sofalism blessings.